Tempest Brewing Co – Modern Helles

The man had been looking forward to this. It looked smooth, refreshing. A beer. He admired the head, the golden hued richness. With great anticipation he put the beer to his lips. And was aghast! Water passed his lips! What means of witchery had been concocted here? He put the glass of water down and inspected the colour again. It was gold. It looked like beer. Once more he put it to his lips. Water! Carbonated water! The image of two beers sitting side by side popped into his head, inexplicably. He drank the water. The beer. The golden water.

That night, as the man got into bed, something strange happened. As if in a dream, a desert pocket mouse hopped onto his pillow and whispered, softly, into his ear:

"what would a 5/5 beer taste like?"

2 beer

Brussels Beer Project – Delta IPA

In the desert

I saw a creature, naked, bestial

Who, squatting upon the ground,

Held his beer in his hands

And drank of it

I said, "is it good, friend?"

"It is bitter - bitter", he answered;

"But I like it

"Because it is bitter,

"And because it is my beer."

3 beers

Jamestown – New England IPA

It describes itself as "a bouquet of stone fruit and citrus, followed by flavours of papaya and pineapple on the palette"

I tried very hard but all I could taste was grapefruit

Where is this phantom papaya and pineapple I seek?

Perhaps the flavour only comes out in warmer climates, like an armadillo emerging tentatively from its burrow

The armadillo raises it's snout to taste the air: it is warm, dry, but there is something more

An unmistakable fruitiness

Yes, thinks the armadillo, it is time

3 beer

Buxton Brewery – Simcoe IPA

Humulus lupulus is the scientific name for a hop, although lupulus makes me think of lupus, which is unfortunate

This beer is brewed with a single hop, suggesting just beers are brewed from a blend of them

Just what is a hop? And why is it in my beer? We have sent our investigative reporters on the case

Reporter 1: a species of flowering plant in the hemp family (incidentally meaning they're related to cannabis), the female cone shaped fruits are used to preserve and flavor beer for reasons that this reporter is too lazy to read into

Reporter 2: I heard that it was brewed and fed to a person by witches to tell whether or not they were a werewolf, a pressing concern in the past. It is good we now accept werewolves as regular members of our society

Reporter 1: yes, this sounds reasonable

3 beer

Buxton Shelterstone IPA

It would be amiss to talk about this beer without mentioning the humble grapefruit

A cross between the "true" mandarin and the pomelo, the grapefruit is a fruit that exists

As somebody that takes several medications I cannot eat the humble grapefruit because of a particular enzyme it contains, and so only have the vaguest menu l recollection of its taste

IPAs let me experience the grapefruit without taking such risks

It is ok

3 beer

Lukas Bavarian Helles Lager

Today's beer is the the Lukas Bavarian style lager

I'm never entirely sure how to describe the taste of a lager since there is no analogue in the fruit or vegetable works to compare it with

The taste of lager is something mysterious and ineffable, a thing that can only be experienced and not described

This is a lager

3.5 beers

Five Points Brewing Co – Five Points JUPA

Another light, fruity IPA with very strong hints of:

This beer was considerably more pleasant to drink than yesterday's owing to the much more reasonable degree of carbonation

It would be well paired with: the beach, the sound of lapping waves, a palm tree, a small crab skittering over the remains of somebody's sandcastle

3.5 beers